Today i believe...

... that sun is sometimes the best medicine.

... that missing the past is okay, planning for the future is good, but soaking in the present is best.

... that hearing from a friend you haven't talked to in a while can lighten your heart faster than anything in the world.  

... that mat kearney's song "wait" is still one of the most beautiful songs in the world even after listening to it almost daily for one month.  

... that sometimes, all we need is for someone to say: "yes. i understand completely." 

... that sometimes, the most stressful times can result in beautiful moments of inspiration because when the storm ends and the dust settles, clarity sets in.  

I just wish...

I just wish....

It's a crazy mean and angry world we live in these days. As Bon Jovi so poetically sang, "No one wants to be themselves these days"...this blog is not a cliche attempt to send out a hidden message to someone who I've been hurting with without consideration quite a bit since of late. God as my witness, none of it was done with malice or intent to hurt her...but the devil seem to have won the first few rounds. I am sad. I truly am. I am apologetic, I am sincerely sorry. 

Work around me seem to be the culprit in the foremost manner. Too much of pressure, too much stress, too many meetings and too much work what my frail structure could handle...but that does not justify my dynamite volatility of a mental state that has taken over me lately. I come home, and even the slightest word with a wrong timing seem to offend me which in turn leads to a verbal outbreak in the harshest of forms known to the both of us. I JUST WISH I WASN'T SO EASILY ANNOYED, since of late. I am sorry for it. 

Will Smith was damn straight speaking the truth when his first single "Parents just don't understand" was released. Little did I know as a bloomer to the music of R&B that it would be the outcome twenty something years later. The parents just don't understand. Caught in a crossfire where ego's and feelings are hurt, I am a prime example of collateral damage. The kindda stuff Karan Johar would be drooling to write & direct for his next Bollywood blockbuster (in which case I would want SRK to play me, purely based on the fact that I need the ratings :p) ...I JUST WISH MY PARENTS LEFT ME ALONE TO BE THE (almost) 29YEAR OLD MAN I AM. I am sorry about them. 

The traffic I endure, is a living organism. Like Hercules slaying Hydra, I indulge in this life & death battle on a daily basis. It wears me down, ageing me little by little, almost to a state that my legs fail me to walk, hands fail me to catch and my head fails me to think...all of which contributes to my rage that waves over love and affection, in which case the Satan takes over me and I swing in to a frenzy where words become my swords & I slash all thats in my sight...only that I keep slashing her heart...I JUST WISH THAT I BE DELIVERED FROM SATAN SO THAT I MAY NOT SLASH HER HEART. I am sorry for my over powering rage. 

Loneliness knows me by heart. It physically hurts me to see other couples hand in hand and being all mushy. I want that with my princess...I want to hold her, smell her silky hair and play with her pink fingers while I gaze in to those beautiful eyes before I whisper in to her ear; "I love you angel"...it saddens me that she is not here, all would be simplified if I have my bubsypops in my arms...I would never let go of her then! I JUST WISH SHE WAS HERE, SO THAT LONELINESS TO ME WOULD BE AN ALIEN.  I am sorry for my constant clingy neediness. 

I will hang in there for the name of love, hold her hand through the screams, tears, rage and scars...and look in to your eyes one day while your dressed in white on an aisle at a beautifully decorated church surrounded by all our family & friends and think to myself, aloud "it was all worth it!" ... I JUST WISH I WAS DIFFERENT AND NOT THIS PERSON WHO I AM NOW! 

Sometimes..

Sometimes I have existentialist freak outs and start panicking about the meaning of life and what's going to happen afterward. And then I get really scared and sad. But I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him around for late night phone conversations to help me calm down and strengthen my faith. 

I don't know what I'd do without him.

And I've got an inkling...

It might just be the best month of this year, yet.

I miss...

I looked down at my hands today and I realized I don't have little kid hands anymore, my hands have signs of work in them, my veins are visible and my fingers are long like my mother's. I always loved her hands and remember looking at my little girl hands wishing they weren't so small, weren't so stumpy, I wanted elegant hands to put pretty rings on and nails long enough for manicures. I don't know when it happened but today my hands belonged to a woman, they didn't belong to a little girl anymore and it made me miss being young with my whole body. It made me miss everything about it; the curiosity, the innocence.

I miss clutching to my father's hands that were so much bigger than mine, that protected and took care of me. I miss swinging all of my body weight on one grip. I miss picking out Christmas dresses and patent leather shoes that you could see your reflection in.

I miss licking all the frosting off the tops of cakes, I miss picking dandelions and crushing the yellow petals between my delicate tiny little fingers. I miss thinking a vanilla ice cream cone was the best thing in the whole world, and that chicken soup could really cure anything or a kiss would make anything feel better. I miss running to my father when he'd come home from work and feeling his warmth as he wrapped me up in his arms and the smell of my mom's perfume.

I miss when I didn't know what it felt like to miss somebody, and I was just excited to see someone I loved at the end of the day. When I didn't know the sound of writing checks, or hearts falling, when I didn't know that not everyone in the world is kind and open. When I assumed good was always the outcome and if someone promised that was enough of a contract.

I miss sticking my tongue out at strangers, making strange noises and throwing fits in public. I miss being connected to myself enough to cry when I was sad. When being analytical, calculated, and manipulative weren't a means to get what you wanted, but a simple please would do. The times when I was conscious of saying my thank you's and excuse me's.

I miss when I was supposed to have a sense of wonder, and people wouldn't warn that soon I would be hardened I miss softness. Blankies, and stuffed animals, granddad's temperament and my grandmother's stories. I miss bedtimes and birthday parties, crushed Goldfish and snack time. Ratty hair and purple nail polish.

When I didn't have to be accountable. When the only fear I knew was that of the dark. When the perfect vacation was one that involved people in costumes with pink cheeks, and parades. When I played house instead of worried about paying for one. When I didn't know how to tell time and just trusted there was always enough of it. Play dates over real ones. Before insecurity and awareness, before anxiety and doubt, before I knew anything about my body and I used it as a means to live in; skip, stretch, climb, and ride bikes.

I miss when guilt, lack, regret, or disappointment weren't emotions that existed to me.

I miss when love was really unconditional, when faith just was, and security always meant Mom and Dad.

When I look at my hands I'm proud of them, I like that they look like my mother's, that they move quickly and have strength, I just wish that they could have stayed young, that I could have stayed young... a little bit longer.

On girls.

I like girls names you can shorten and make slightly boyish. I like the names that start with A. Strong names, but also pretty. Names that you could find in a novel, perhaps. Not too typical. That sound good as they roll out of the mouth.

I imagine that if I had a daughter, I would try and keep her grounded. Of course she would be full of silliness and fall in love with little things like girls do, but I'd want her to be practical too. To know what she likes. To be healthy and happy and have a good head on her shoulders most of all.

I would send her on little trips, so she could make friends and stay outside all day and breathe in fresh air and scrape her knees and run around in the sunshine and swim all day. So she could sleep in bunk beds with new friends and learn to french-braid and have secret midnight feasts. This is the kind of thing (I think) that teaches you about people and the world and sets you in the right direction. Not to mention the outdoors, which is just so good for you.

I'd read her classics and poetry of course, but most of all I'd read her stories about magic so she could keep it with her as long as she could. Not just witches and wizards and fairies, but real-life magic. The kind that exists in ordinary people. I'd want her to know that her life would be full of it.

Anne of Green Gables, to teach her about how important it is to stick up for what is good but let her know it's okay to make mistakes as long as you try and fix them. Little House on the Prairie, so she could learn about growing up and having patience through your hardships and sisterhood and family and being happy with what you have. I'd read her Mallory Towers so she could learn about resolving conflict, about loyalty, about standing on her own two feet, about education and wise old headmistresses. And Little Women for so many reasons. I'd read her stories about strong, amazing girls who learn lessons and laugh all the time and work hard and have adventures and fall madly in love and help out their girlfriends when they're in a bind.

Hopefully she would have a brother, who would teach her about boys better than I ever could. (I knew virtually nothing about boys until I was 16 years old and that rarely worked in my favour.) I would try to teach her about love. I'd try my hardest to be a good example here. And offer advice when she needed it, but I would learn too. I'm sure I would learn more from her than I can even imagine now.

I'd tell her stories about her great, great grandmother and teach her how to make a mean chicken curry and pani walalu. I'd teach her all the little traditions so she could keep them alive, no matter how distant they seem.

I would show her Steve Martin and Bill Cosby and old Eddie Murphy shows. I'd have her listen to David Sedaris books on tape. I'd hope she would laugh. We would watch John Hughes movies, and somewhere between Duckie dancing to Otis Redding, and John Cusack driving through the rain, something would click with her. I would twirl her around the living room to 80's post punk music, and maybe (just maybe) she would have a soft spot for The Smiths for the rest of her life.

In this dream world, we wouldn't talk about weight or cellulite or diets. You know, all those things girls talk about that chip away at their characters and consume them to the point where they can't talk about anything else. We would eat wholesome things. We would bake caramel pudding like my mom does, and enjoy it, and we'd hit the library afterwards. We'd shop at the market. She wouldn't be one of those kids on Jamie Oliver shows who is completely unaware of what an eggplant is.

I'd give her my old journals and photo albums. Things that would make me cringe, but probably make her happy (if she's anything like me). I wish my mom had kept clothes and pictures! I always feel like I would know her better if I could see that stuff. My dad wrote a little, and reading what he thought at 19 is one of my favourite things to do.

I'd hope she would have long hair like mine, if nothing else. And the eyelashes. But most of all, the sense of adventure. I'd hope she would wonder at the world.

25 lessons

With my 26th birthday rapidly approaching, I cannot help but reflect on the life lessons 25 has brought me. Another year older, another year wiser, right? while I am sad to say goodbye to 25, I am equally excited to see what my 26th year on this earth has in store for me.

Without further adieu, here are 25 things I learned (about myself and beyond) while I was 25:

1. Sometimes God brings people into my life for a short season. Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and the quicker i accept that, that better. 

2. Nobody will ever, ever believe in me or support me more than Ashan does. A relationship is such a gift in that way, and one that I do not ever want to take for granted.

3. Just because you feel something doesn't make it true. 

4. Little things stick with you, and the details are the real stuff is made of.

5. No matter how much I plan, and think about planning, and discussing my plan with others, it's really up to God how that plan unfolds. The peace in that is immeasurable. 

6. Sometimes things have to get messy and ugly and absolutely terrible before they get better.

7. Most friendships won't last forever. And, that's life. 

8. Quick anger is part of my DNA, and I seriously need to work on it, because not much it worth fighting about.

9. God will continue to test me, but he will never give me more than I can handle.

10. A relationship requires mutual effort between two people. It's a give and take; not a give or take. 

11. People change. Sometimes for the good, and other times not. Either way, it's a part of life and the sooner I accept that, the better.

12. When I don't succeed, I end up learning something—and that in itself is valuable.

13. Sometimes you have to say 'No'

14. Attaining simplicity is not very simple, but completely worth the effort to make it so.

15. You cannot ask or expect other people to apologize for who they are. 

16. Sometimes, Facebook is the devil.

17. It's never too early to plan for the future, because there is often significant joy to be found in that.

18. Sometimes it's okay to go to bed angry. Most people will tell you the opposite, but I beg to differ. It's rare, but sometimes you need a full eight hours of sleep to get over your stubbornness and wake up with a fresh perspective and a forgiving heart. I actually learned this a few times while i was 25.

19. I complain way more than I should - I need to work on that as well.

20. Don't worry about what people say about you. They didn't make me so they sure can't break me.

21. Health is a blessing. And I thank god for everyday I have.

22. Never compare life with others, because we are all on our own journeys.

23. Good things come to those who wait. I suspect even better things come to those who wait patiently.

24. Life takes twists and turns. Prepare for the unexpected.

25. Don't dwell on your wounds. Everyone has something that has caused pain and has been limiting them in some way. Don't let the past limit your future.