These are the ways you love yourself. (to forgive)

Forgive yourself the nights you climb into bed full-face of makeup, too tired to take it off. 


Forgive yourself the days when one latte is not enough, when the two major food groups are coffee and sugar. 


Forgive yourself that one night when at two am you woke to use the bathroom and inhaled an entire chocolate bar instead.


Forgive the time spent with a man you now have not one nice thing to say about. and forgive just how long it took to get over him. he was not good and not kind and he is not your fault. 


Forgive yourself for actually loving the gentle curve of your hips. and to hell with a society which suggests you might not or should not. they herald your womanhood, the man you marry will lose himself in them, they will hoist groceries and children. they are sturdy--anchoring you firmly to this earth. 


Forgive the nights you cannot sleep-sadness or some unnamed force pressing heavy on your chest. 


Forgive the mistakes of the last several years. so you made them. okay. enough. move on. the mistakes and the fault-lines, they are the foundation. 


Forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. and forgive yourself the sadness you caused those around you. the broken-promises and cutting words and the things left unsaid. 


Forgive the anger you feel. feel it and then look again with kinder eyes. 


Forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. The path is not done, the road is not finished. 

One year.

15.3.2011 - 15.3.2012

It was that kind of love that walks down the street and makes people say, "AW". The love that sits in the corner and doesn't see anyone else in the room. The love that slow dances, the cinematic kind. 

I fit into him, like puzzle pieces. And today and every day, I'm am so very glad he's mine. 

Today i believe...

... that sun is sometimes the best medicine.

... that missing the past is okay, planning for the future is good, but soaking in the present is best.

... that hearing from a friend you haven't talked to in a while can lighten your heart faster than anything in the world.  

... that mat kearney's song "wait" is still one of the most beautiful songs in the world even after listening to it almost daily for one month.  

... that sometimes, all we need is for someone to say: "yes. i understand completely." 

... that sometimes, the most stressful times can result in beautiful moments of inspiration because when the storm ends and the dust settles, clarity sets in.  

I just wish...

I just wish....

It's a crazy mean and angry world we live in these days. As Bon Jovi so poetically sang, "No one wants to be themselves these days"...this blog is not a cliche attempt to send out a hidden message to someone who I've been hurting with without consideration quite a bit since of late. God as my witness, none of it was done with malice or intent to hurt her...but the devil seem to have won the first few rounds. I am sad. I truly am. I am apologetic, I am sincerely sorry. 

Work around me seem to be the culprit in the foremost manner. Too much of pressure, too much stress, too many meetings and too much work what my frail structure could handle...but that does not justify my dynamite volatility of a mental state that has taken over me lately. I come home, and even the slightest word with a wrong timing seem to offend me which in turn leads to a verbal outbreak in the harshest of forms known to the both of us. I JUST WISH I WASN'T SO EASILY ANNOYED, since of late. I am sorry for it. 

Will Smith was damn straight speaking the truth when his first single "Parents just don't understand" was released. Little did I know as a bloomer to the music of R&B that it would be the outcome twenty something years later. The parents just don't understand. Caught in a crossfire where ego's and feelings are hurt, I am a prime example of collateral damage. The kindda stuff Karan Johar would be drooling to write & direct for his next Bollywood blockbuster (in which case I would want SRK to play me, purely based on the fact that I need the ratings :p) ...I JUST WISH MY PARENTS LEFT ME ALONE TO BE THE (almost) 29YEAR OLD MAN I AM. I am sorry about them. 

The traffic I endure, is a living organism. Like Hercules slaying Hydra, I indulge in this life & death battle on a daily basis. It wears me down, ageing me little by little, almost to a state that my legs fail me to walk, hands fail me to catch and my head fails me to think...all of which contributes to my rage that waves over love and affection, in which case the Satan takes over me and I swing in to a frenzy where words become my swords & I slash all thats in my sight...only that I keep slashing her heart...I JUST WISH THAT I BE DELIVERED FROM SATAN SO THAT I MAY NOT SLASH HER HEART. I am sorry for my over powering rage. 

Loneliness knows me by heart. It physically hurts me to see other couples hand in hand and being all mushy. I want that with my princess...I want to hold her, smell her silky hair and play with her pink fingers while I gaze in to those beautiful eyes before I whisper in to her ear; "I love you angel"...it saddens me that she is not here, all would be simplified if I have my bubsypops in my arms...I would never let go of her then! I JUST WISH SHE WAS HERE, SO THAT LONELINESS TO ME WOULD BE AN ALIEN.  I am sorry for my constant clingy neediness. 

I will hang in there for the name of love, hold her hand through the screams, tears, rage and scars...and look in to your eyes one day while your dressed in white on an aisle at a beautifully decorated church surrounded by all our family & friends and think to myself, aloud "it was all worth it!" ... I JUST WISH I WAS DIFFERENT AND NOT THIS PERSON WHO I AM NOW! 

Sometimes..

Sometimes I have existentialist freak outs and start panicking about the meaning of life and what's going to happen afterward. And then I get really scared and sad. But I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him around for late night phone conversations to help me calm down and strengthen my faith. 

I don't know what I'd do without him.

And I've got an inkling...

It might just be the best month of this year, yet.